Normally I write a blog around the time of my birthday (I think), and I am a bit behind this year. Nonetheless, here goes nothin'.
I actually survived 28 years of life so far! haha. How have I managed this? Surely not alone. It's been quite a journey, especially in this last year. I keep thinking about the whole "turning 30" crunch, and I cringe just a little bit at the thought. However, several of my friends who recently turned 30 or are already over 30 reassure me that life in your 30's is so much better than in your 20's. I hope they are right.
It's funny for me because sometimes I feel this immense pressure to be someone or do something because I am already such and such age. I guess the truth of the matter is that I am not everyone else, and God has me set on a certain course so I just better be shut up and enjoy the ride.
My 28th birthday was nice. Guido woke up extra early and decorated the whole apartment, including Zacchy, and he wouldn't even let me downstairs until he was done. He and Zac came upstairs blowing horns and singing "Happy Birthday" to me. Well, Zac just barked and licked me while jumping all over our bed, which was weird for him because it is usually forbidden territory to even be upstairs. Guido had ordered me a nice book about my new digital SLR camera that we had bought a couple of months prior. It was a nice gift, and I am sure I will use it often. Later in the morning, my mother-in-law came for a cup of coffee and brought me a gift and a bouquet of flowers. That was such a nice treat as she knows how much I just love fresh flowers.
Guido had it all planned out for my birthday day. He wouldn't tell me anything, but only reassured me that I would really like it. So, with Zac, we hopped in the car and went. Along the way, I tried guessing where we were going, but nothing made sense because we couldn't bring a dog to alot of the places. So, I gave up. Well, as we got closer to Amsterdam, I actually sort of guessed what he had in mind, but he wouldn't give me 100% confirmation that I was right until we were just about there. We ended up in a nice touristy town called Volendam. It's on the water and located not too far from Amsterdam. We did things like enjoying a nice drink on a terrace, walking around, hanging out by the water, and some other things. We also had our picture taken with the traditional Dutch clothing on, which was a lot of fun. Zac is even in the picture. We went to a historic museum and also visited the island village of Marken by ferry. In the evening, we had a very nice meal along with a beer for Guido and a Strongbow for me. We enjoyed it! There was a beautiful sunset on the ride home as well. All in all, the day was fantastic. It was a great first birthday to share with my lovely husband.
On Friday, the 28th, we set out to Scheveningen in the evening in order to feast with friends and enjoy a night out on the town. We went to a fun restaurant that had great spare ribs (so I was told), which is the main reason why my husband chose this place in the first place. There's nothing like having your own stomach in mind when planning your wife's birthday dinner party! It's really SUCH a man thing to do. Ha! It was nice though. We had a fun time with friends, and I also got alot of nice gifts. I still have the bear cup that the waitress gave to me. The employees even prepared an ice cream with sparklers, put a stupid, dirty "Gefeliciteerd" hat on my head, and sang "Lang Zal Ze Leven" to me, which basically is the "Happy Birthday" song they sing in Dutch. Afterwards, we proceeded to a place called Crazy Pianos. It was fun, and the music was good as well. We danced, hung out, joked around, and just had a nice time. We didn't get to bed until about 4 am. Yep, wayyyy past my bedtime these days. Haha.
Needless to say, when we had to wake up for the family birthday picnic the next day, Saturday, I wasn't the happiest camper in the world. Well, I hate camping altogether so my previous statement doesn't say so much. We arrived a bit late, and I was a little miserable from being overtired. It was nice though. We were celebrating my and my mother-in-law's birthdays as she also has a summer birthday, but hers is in July. The food was yummy, lots of conversation, and I also got a lot of nice gifts. I still need to go shopping to use the gift cards and money that I got.
All in all, this birthday was great! The only thing missing was...well...many of you. It really sunk in a bit deeper just how homesick I really am. It's been a really long time since I've spent a birthday or any other day with many of you, and I kind of felt like a part of me was missing this year. I really love and enjoy my friends and family here, but they will never take the place of my family and friends in the states. It wasn't better or worse to be here, just...different.
Looking back on this year, I can say that it surely hasn't been easy, but God has been really good to me. That's something that will never change either because it's just His nature to be that way...even to me. I've got a great husband who makes me constantly makes me laugh, puts up with my temper, and surely makes life interesting. We'll leave it at that. Haha. I am blessed to have a doggy who is the cutest dog in the world, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. He just is. He is such a little stinker and quite dramatic at times. No tellin' where he got THAT from! Haha. God has kept true to His promises to me from several years ago to restore what the locusts have eaten, and I see it ringing so true in my life. And...it just doesn't stop. Even in the past few days, He has given me a lot of brand new things to look forward to as well, and it's only getting better.
I feel a little "shocked" to be 28 already. I think because I always pictured my life to be different than it actually is, especially at this age. It doesn't matter though. Everything happens for a reason, and nothing is a mistake. It all works out for the good. I am just happy that Jesus is with me, and the love affair grows stronger and truer everyday, despite my stubbornness, among other things. I am definitely looking forward to seeing what this next year holds for me. I can be sure of one thing though: it's full of great things...new treasures to be found, new joys to be experienced, and new surprises to come to light. Here's a toast to turning 28! Cheers!
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Am I lost?
What a question. Yeah, you might be wondering why the heck I would be asking myself that, but let me clarify what I mean.
Last week, I happened to invade my brother-in-law's movie collection. I have gotten sick of my own movies so I needed to check out something fresh. He has some movies that I hadn't seen before. Well, needless to say, I have been watching more movies than normal in the past few days.
Today, I decided to watch "The Holiday." It's the film with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jack Black, and Jude Law. Great movie! Just watching it, the storyline, the details, even down to the careers of the characters got me to thinking. Am I lost? Have I lost my dream? Did I leave my goals and aspirations at the door somewhere and forget to pick them up? Why did I let them go in the first place?
Okay...okay...okay, maybe I am in "lala land" at the moment, but I don't know what it is. I just get so inspired by certain films I've seen, books I've read, conversations I've had. I am a dreamer. That is for sure. I just wish I did a bit better in the pursuit of those dreams a little more often. Surely, they sit in the back of my mind alot. Maybe it's a fear thing. Possibly an insecurity thing. Or...just maybe it's being hit with the reality that this is not my life. Plain and simple. But...why couldn't it be? My heart was charged up again while watching this movie. I went back to those days back in high school when I would write songs, lyricsw, poetry, even scripts and story lines. I had big dreams to become a filmmaker and screenwriter someday. I had dreams to become a musician and to inspire and influence my generation and others with my creative gifts and talents. But...for some reason, I've just let it go. Shame on me.
So now that I have unveiled a little bit of that good ol' "my life feels like a train wreck" feeling, where do I go from here? How do I get "unlost"? Is it possible? Sometimes I find myself sort of "freaking out" (okay...a little exaggeration) about the fact that I am quickly approaching 30 years old. I feel like my life is this timeline, and it has to go a certain way. I feel like I have missed the mark, and those once REAL-LIFE dreams have become just mere memories in the back of my mind.
I guess my biggest struggle is (and always has been) for someone to believe in me. But hey, then I ask myself, "How can someone believe in me when I hardly believe in myself?" Strange. Maybe I am afraid that I won't be good enough or that someone will make fun of it or I won't appease the people in my life that I have been trying to since I can't even remember. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I have big dreams, and I need to remember that it's never too late to get back in the game. Never.
Last week, I happened to invade my brother-in-law's movie collection. I have gotten sick of my own movies so I needed to check out something fresh. He has some movies that I hadn't seen before. Well, needless to say, I have been watching more movies than normal in the past few days.
Today, I decided to watch "The Holiday." It's the film with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jack Black, and Jude Law. Great movie! Just watching it, the storyline, the details, even down to the careers of the characters got me to thinking. Am I lost? Have I lost my dream? Did I leave my goals and aspirations at the door somewhere and forget to pick them up? Why did I let them go in the first place?
Okay...okay...okay, maybe I am in "lala land" at the moment, but I don't know what it is. I just get so inspired by certain films I've seen, books I've read, conversations I've had. I am a dreamer. That is for sure. I just wish I did a bit better in the pursuit of those dreams a little more often. Surely, they sit in the back of my mind alot. Maybe it's a fear thing. Possibly an insecurity thing. Or...just maybe it's being hit with the reality that this is not my life. Plain and simple. But...why couldn't it be? My heart was charged up again while watching this movie. I went back to those days back in high school when I would write songs, lyricsw, poetry, even scripts and story lines. I had big dreams to become a filmmaker and screenwriter someday. I had dreams to become a musician and to inspire and influence my generation and others with my creative gifts and talents. But...for some reason, I've just let it go. Shame on me.
So now that I have unveiled a little bit of that good ol' "my life feels like a train wreck" feeling, where do I go from here? How do I get "unlost"? Is it possible? Sometimes I find myself sort of "freaking out" (okay...a little exaggeration) about the fact that I am quickly approaching 30 years old. I feel like my life is this timeline, and it has to go a certain way. I feel like I have missed the mark, and those once REAL-LIFE dreams have become just mere memories in the back of my mind.
I guess my biggest struggle is (and always has been) for someone to believe in me. But hey, then I ask myself, "How can someone believe in me when I hardly believe in myself?" Strange. Maybe I am afraid that I won't be good enough or that someone will make fun of it or I won't appease the people in my life that I have been trying to since I can't even remember. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I have big dreams, and I need to remember that it's never too late to get back in the game. Never.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Music and Lyrics
Wow, I really need to write more. Once again I find myself staring at the screen with no inspiration to write, but since I was told that I need to be blogging more often, here is a petty attempt to express myself through words.
Tonight, I watched the movie, "Music & Lyrics" which stars Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. I really liked the movie even though I don't think I would ever nominate it for an Oscar or anything. For me personally, it is a movie that inspires. Why? Well, for those of you who don't know, I write lyrics. I've been writing them for like 11 or 12 years now, but it hasn't been until the past few months in which my work has been put to music. It's actually pretty exciting.
In some ways, I could really relate to Drew's character, Sophie. Here she was, thinking that she could never write songs, but hey...she proved everyone, most importantly herself, wrong. I am beginning to experience the same in my life. I actually never thought my stuff was even worth trying to put music to it, but now several of my lyrics have evolved into actual songs. It's just amazing. I feel like I am actually walking in my destiny and following part of the calling that I believe the Lord has for my life.
I just feel so....uninspired lately. Sometimes, I get the greatest ideas...at the strangest moments. I might be in the shower or walking my dog, and suddenly a tune or a verse pops into my head, and I am able to just...run with it. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because things seem all "up in the air" right now. I have loads of questions, and I am hoping to get some answers sometime in this century. Yeah yeah yeah...I get it. The whole "a thousand years is like a day and a day like a thousand years" blah blah blah. Oh well...moving on.
I'm very tired. It's probably one of the hottest days of the summer today. I feel sticky and warm, and we don't even have a fan to keep cool. Yucko! hehe. The house hunt is exhausting. My birthday is in 3 weeks! Flevo is in 2 weeks. We're possibly going to Hungary for 2 weeks. That's the plan, anyway. Oh, and I will have a REAL birthday party for the first time since I was like 6 years old. Amazing!
...I bought Oreos tonight and dipped them in milk while watching the movie. This was done in honor of America...my family and my dear friends...whom I miss alot. I need some Aunt Jemima's and some REAL American PB, and fast. If you would like to send me a care package, please let me know. haha.
Goodnight...
(Maybe by the next time I blog, I will have something a bit more meaningful to say. maybe...just maybe.)
Tonight, I watched the movie, "Music & Lyrics" which stars Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. I really liked the movie even though I don't think I would ever nominate it for an Oscar or anything. For me personally, it is a movie that inspires. Why? Well, for those of you who don't know, I write lyrics. I've been writing them for like 11 or 12 years now, but it hasn't been until the past few months in which my work has been put to music. It's actually pretty exciting.
In some ways, I could really relate to Drew's character, Sophie. Here she was, thinking that she could never write songs, but hey...she proved everyone, most importantly herself, wrong. I am beginning to experience the same in my life. I actually never thought my stuff was even worth trying to put music to it, but now several of my lyrics have evolved into actual songs. It's just amazing. I feel like I am actually walking in my destiny and following part of the calling that I believe the Lord has for my life.
I just feel so....uninspired lately. Sometimes, I get the greatest ideas...at the strangest moments. I might be in the shower or walking my dog, and suddenly a tune or a verse pops into my head, and I am able to just...run with it. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because things seem all "up in the air" right now. I have loads of questions, and I am hoping to get some answers sometime in this century. Yeah yeah yeah...I get it. The whole "a thousand years is like a day and a day like a thousand years" blah blah blah. Oh well...moving on.
I'm very tired. It's probably one of the hottest days of the summer today. I feel sticky and warm, and we don't even have a fan to keep cool. Yucko! hehe. The house hunt is exhausting. My birthday is in 3 weeks! Flevo is in 2 weeks. We're possibly going to Hungary for 2 weeks. That's the plan, anyway. Oh, and I will have a REAL birthday party for the first time since I was like 6 years old. Amazing!
...I bought Oreos tonight and dipped them in milk while watching the movie. This was done in honor of America...my family and my dear friends...whom I miss alot. I need some Aunt Jemima's and some REAL American PB, and fast. If you would like to send me a care package, please let me know. haha.
Goodnight...
(Maybe by the next time I blog, I will have something a bit more meaningful to say. maybe...just maybe.)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Regrets and Nutshells
So I am sitting here staring at the screen trying to figure out where to begin. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times I have done that throughout the months, but have been somewhat hesitant to write. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I just didn't think I had anything good to say. This is where the "regret" comes into play.
I know that I shouldn't focus on regrets and such in life, but I will focus a little on this one because I really wish I had taken the time to keep my family and friends updated on what's been happening in my life over the past several months. Well, now I am at a point where I want to share...ha! I need to share. There are so many changes, so many things going on, and this is the perfect outlet, at least for me.
Thus, the nutshell begins...
It is now mid-June 2009, and I cannot even believe it! It's been over 6 years since I graduated from college (university for all of you international friends), and just about 10 years since I graduated from high school! I can hardly believe it. It's been really neat to re-connect with people from the past through profile websites such as Facebook. I really enjoy learning about where people have ended up, what they're doing, if they're married, how many kids they have, etc. I just remember yesterday being in high school, tranferring from Baker to CNS, adjusting to a new place, new school, new everything. I also can never and will never forget my 4 life-changing years at RWC where I have been some of my greatest friends and have undergone some of my greatest trials.
Life surely has been a whirlwind. Looking back, it's just amazing that THIS is where I am in life right now. My sister just had her first child, a beautiful baby girl named Emma. My other two sisters will be graduating from high school in the next week and a half. My brother will be turning 14 years old, and I am approaching closer and closer to 30. Yikes!
Now, I am sure many of you are maybe wondering what's been going on in my life for the past 10 years. Well, I would love to touch on those points in the future, but for now, I will disclose a bit about the past few months.
Guido and I will be married 8 months on the 28th of June! Can you believe it? I can...barely. The time has just flown by, and it's been quite the 8 months so far. Being in an intercultural relationship has been quite a challenge and learning experience for both of us, but it's also been so wonderful as we're going through this journey of discovery of self-discovery individually and together. I don't just say this to win brownie points, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart that my husband is truly a gift from God, and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world...well, maybe sometimes. Kidding!
To celebrate our journey so far, we decided last-minute to book a trip to Mallorca, Spain. We're really looking forward to this time of rest that we so desperately need. We have decided to view this time away as a second honeymoon of sorts. As some of you know, we wed just outside of Las Vegas last October, and only had a week there, which was really too short of a time. We got married on a Tuesday, had to arrange all kinds of paperwork on 3 other days, and with all of the preparations and emotions, it was just too short of a time. Next we knew, we were on a plane back to Europe, and my life would pick up and start over yet again.
For those of you who don't know, I have not been legally been able to have a job here in the Netherlands until my visa is approved. So, for the past 8 months, I have been a housewife. Do I have regrets? No way. Has it always been easy? Nope! Through it all, I will say that I have grown alot and learned so much about myself. I have had to overcome some fears and learn to be true to myself. This is something that continues everyday. I will comment, though, that just last Friday, I went to The Hague with my sister-in-law to pick up my visa card so now I am able to legally live and work here. Praise God!
Oh yeah, back to the 8 months of hibernation. It's been unreal. I will definitely have to touch on this amazing time through a series of blogs, but just to say that God has really had me in such a season of healing and restoration. It's been so good. Difficult, but good.
I am totally at a point of transition right now. Well, not just myself, but Guido as well. We have been seeking the Lord for direction and wisdom in so many things, and we praise God that things are finally beginning to come together...with a price. I have learned a life-long lesson that breakthrough never comes without a price. People get so scared by that statement, but the price we have to pay is so so good and so worth it.
The changes have never stopped, I guess. It's like someone threw me into a dryer, and turned it on, and I am still inside. Moving to another country, being married (again), being away from family and friends, adjusting to a new culture, taking on new roles, being the proud owner of a puppy named Zaccheus, and more....it's been quite a price, but a great one. If I had to do it all over again, would I? Without question, yes.
I know that I shouldn't focus on regrets and such in life, but I will focus a little on this one because I really wish I had taken the time to keep my family and friends updated on what's been happening in my life over the past several months. Well, now I am at a point where I want to share...ha! I need to share. There are so many changes, so many things going on, and this is the perfect outlet, at least for me.
Thus, the nutshell begins...
It is now mid-June 2009, and I cannot even believe it! It's been over 6 years since I graduated from college (university for all of you international friends), and just about 10 years since I graduated from high school! I can hardly believe it. It's been really neat to re-connect with people from the past through profile websites such as Facebook. I really enjoy learning about where people have ended up, what they're doing, if they're married, how many kids they have, etc. I just remember yesterday being in high school, tranferring from Baker to CNS, adjusting to a new place, new school, new everything. I also can never and will never forget my 4 life-changing years at RWC where I have been some of my greatest friends and have undergone some of my greatest trials.
Life surely has been a whirlwind. Looking back, it's just amazing that THIS is where I am in life right now. My sister just had her first child, a beautiful baby girl named Emma. My other two sisters will be graduating from high school in the next week and a half. My brother will be turning 14 years old, and I am approaching closer and closer to 30. Yikes!
Now, I am sure many of you are maybe wondering what's been going on in my life for the past 10 years. Well, I would love to touch on those points in the future, but for now, I will disclose a bit about the past few months.
Guido and I will be married 8 months on the 28th of June! Can you believe it? I can...barely. The time has just flown by, and it's been quite the 8 months so far. Being in an intercultural relationship has been quite a challenge and learning experience for both of us, but it's also been so wonderful as we're going through this journey of discovery of self-discovery individually and together. I don't just say this to win brownie points, but I mean it from the bottom of my heart that my husband is truly a gift from God, and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world...well, maybe sometimes. Kidding!
To celebrate our journey so far, we decided last-minute to book a trip to Mallorca, Spain. We're really looking forward to this time of rest that we so desperately need. We have decided to view this time away as a second honeymoon of sorts. As some of you know, we wed just outside of Las Vegas last October, and only had a week there, which was really too short of a time. We got married on a Tuesday, had to arrange all kinds of paperwork on 3 other days, and with all of the preparations and emotions, it was just too short of a time. Next we knew, we were on a plane back to Europe, and my life would pick up and start over yet again.
For those of you who don't know, I have not been legally been able to have a job here in the Netherlands until my visa is approved. So, for the past 8 months, I have been a housewife. Do I have regrets? No way. Has it always been easy? Nope! Through it all, I will say that I have grown alot and learned so much about myself. I have had to overcome some fears and learn to be true to myself. This is something that continues everyday. I will comment, though, that just last Friday, I went to The Hague with my sister-in-law to pick up my visa card so now I am able to legally live and work here. Praise God!
Oh yeah, back to the 8 months of hibernation. It's been unreal. I will definitely have to touch on this amazing time through a series of blogs, but just to say that God has really had me in such a season of healing and restoration. It's been so good. Difficult, but good.
I am totally at a point of transition right now. Well, not just myself, but Guido as well. We have been seeking the Lord for direction and wisdom in so many things, and we praise God that things are finally beginning to come together...with a price. I have learned a life-long lesson that breakthrough never comes without a price. People get so scared by that statement, but the price we have to pay is so so good and so worth it.
The changes have never stopped, I guess. It's like someone threw me into a dryer, and turned it on, and I am still inside. Moving to another country, being married (again), being away from family and friends, adjusting to a new culture, taking on new roles, being the proud owner of a puppy named Zaccheus, and more....it's been quite a price, but a great one. If I had to do it all over again, would I? Without question, yes.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Life's Unexpectations...
it was the perfect "girl scenario. there i was on a warm vegas night, sitting in my pjs, indulging in mint chocolate chip ice cream (which is my absolute fave, by the way), hair pulled back, watching my fave show, One Tree Hill. am i lame? haha. i don't think so. just being myself, i guess. doesn't matter anyway. i was enjoying myself, and this experience got me thinkin', which is now leading me to write yet again...
tonight's episode was about tragedy, grief. the star basketball player funeral taking place and watching how others coped with this unexpected event after this guy was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was shot to death. also, watching other characters deal with their own inner turmoil that is just bottling up inside, and it makes you wonder what day, minute, second that they just can't take it anymore and will eventually explode.
for those who don't know this, and believe it or not, this show has had a major impact on my life. yes, i am newly 27 years of age, and i am deeply inspired by a teeny bopper's TV show. does it matter? i think not. OTH is in its 6th season, and it still affects me. granted, i missed most of season 5 due to living in Holland, but it doesn't matter. what i have seen of this show is enough to make me think. and i guess that's what i love about it.
so many things happen in our lives that are unexpected. i could name...oh let's say like a thousand right off the bat just in my own life, and i am sure you could too. not all of these life's unexpectations are bad, some are good, and others are even great. no matter what they are, they impact us in a way that we are changed...molded and shaped into the men and women we are today.
i guess the main "surrealities" in my life at the moment might be somehting like...i never expected to be back in the states again to live. i never expected to be divorced, and i am. i never expected to be a size 8 again after "getting lucky" and losing all of that weight to get into a size 2 right after my ex-husband left. i guess tragedy CAN be beneficial at times. haha. i never expected much of my life to take the turns that it has. some in my control, and others not. however, looking back, i guess i have to ask myself, if it was all worth it. those life's unexpectations. do even those make life worth living? that's quite a question, and maybe it cannot be answered in a simple "yes" or "no." everyone's opinion is different, i suppose.
i guess for me, it's been many of those life's unexpectations that have either propelled me into faith or shrunk me back into fear. but that's just it. we cannot control what happens or who happens in our lives. the only thing we can control is our reaction to them. i will be the first to admit that i haven't handled many situations in faith, but rather with fear. and it's been that fear that has and continues to plague my life. so this is where i am thankful for those life's unexpectations, whether they reveal the good, the bad, or the ugly side of life. why, you ask? because it's these twists and turns along the journey that give me another chance to do it right again. it's another chance for me to express my faith, and for God to express His faithfulness. and there is nothing more beautiful or more amazing than that.
tonight's episode was about tragedy, grief. the star basketball player funeral taking place and watching how others coped with this unexpected event after this guy was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was shot to death. also, watching other characters deal with their own inner turmoil that is just bottling up inside, and it makes you wonder what day, minute, second that they just can't take it anymore and will eventually explode.
for those who don't know this, and believe it or not, this show has had a major impact on my life. yes, i am newly 27 years of age, and i am deeply inspired by a teeny bopper's TV show. does it matter? i think not. OTH is in its 6th season, and it still affects me. granted, i missed most of season 5 due to living in Holland, but it doesn't matter. what i have seen of this show is enough to make me think. and i guess that's what i love about it.
so many things happen in our lives that are unexpected. i could name...oh let's say like a thousand right off the bat just in my own life, and i am sure you could too. not all of these life's unexpectations are bad, some are good, and others are even great. no matter what they are, they impact us in a way that we are changed...molded and shaped into the men and women we are today.
i guess the main "surrealities" in my life at the moment might be somehting like...i never expected to be back in the states again to live. i never expected to be divorced, and i am. i never expected to be a size 8 again after "getting lucky" and losing all of that weight to get into a size 2 right after my ex-husband left. i guess tragedy CAN be beneficial at times. haha. i never expected much of my life to take the turns that it has. some in my control, and others not. however, looking back, i guess i have to ask myself, if it was all worth it. those life's unexpectations. do even those make life worth living? that's quite a question, and maybe it cannot be answered in a simple "yes" or "no." everyone's opinion is different, i suppose.
i guess for me, it's been many of those life's unexpectations that have either propelled me into faith or shrunk me back into fear. but that's just it. we cannot control what happens or who happens in our lives. the only thing we can control is our reaction to them. i will be the first to admit that i haven't handled many situations in faith, but rather with fear. and it's been that fear that has and continues to plague my life. so this is where i am thankful for those life's unexpectations, whether they reveal the good, the bad, or the ugly side of life. why, you ask? because it's these twists and turns along the journey that give me another chance to do it right again. it's another chance for me to express my faith, and for God to express His faithfulness. and there is nothing more beautiful or more amazing than that.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Something Heavenly...
okay well, here goes nothin'. here i sit this fine evening, and i have this horrible chest cold, a headache, etc. lovely! however, the core of the issue has been spiritual and emotional in nature.
consider this song. it's amazing. here are the lyrics.
"Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
so i have been feeling a bit stressed and run down the last few days. alot of stuff going on, and it's really exciting for the most part, but just so overwhelming. i guess i thought i would be handling it better than i am, or be more secure about the whole thing. well...yeah. it's been a time of some major seeking the Lord and just searching for His way, His will, and just...stuff. yeah.
anyway, i was chillin' tonight when the phone rang out of the blue. it was my friend, james. he called and asked me what's been going on in my life and how things are going. we exchanged stories of life's adventures, and during james' sharing time, he told me about the song from Sanctus Real. he explained how God was really speaking to his heart through this song. i was all excited, and so i told him i would definitely look it up on myspace after our talk. and so i did.
this phone conversation was so encouraging and such divine appointment. james spoke straight up to me about some things i needed to hear, and i knew God was speaking through him. it was major confirmation for me with some things i am dealing with at the moment. i just praise God for moments like these. i had been struggling with some things this week, and BAM! God comes through and speaks SO straight-forward and SO clearly. i just feel such peace and joy at this moment, and i am just so ever thankful for the Lord and His amazing love and grace in my life.
this song is amazing. i have listened to it probably 15 or 20 times in a row just to let the message sink deeply into my spirit. in the mist of the chaos and everything going on, healing is taking place, and something Heavenly IS happening in my life! it's okay to be honest about my feelings, it's okay to let go of the hurt and the pain, and it's okay to feel what i feel, but as long as i surrender it all to God and let Him make beauty out of my ashes.
someone once told me like a year ago that we empower what we believe. it's so true. i know that this season i am dealing head on with the spirit of fear, but even in the midst of this storm, i am confident that i will come out victorious. i am changing, and the best it yet to come. God is faithful.
so yeah....it's definitely time to let go of the past and embrace the present and the future. cuz lemme tell ya, the present and future holds GREAT things for me, and i am stoked. God is good. He really does restore all that the stupid enemy has stolen from me. what's happening in my life right now is evidence of that. He really IS in control. i truly AM on the journey of a lifetime so i better sit tight and just enjoy the ride. Wow...this is so cool. Thanks, God!
consider this song. it's amazing. here are the lyrics.
"Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
so i have been feeling a bit stressed and run down the last few days. alot of stuff going on, and it's really exciting for the most part, but just so overwhelming. i guess i thought i would be handling it better than i am, or be more secure about the whole thing. well...yeah. it's been a time of some major seeking the Lord and just searching for His way, His will, and just...stuff. yeah.
anyway, i was chillin' tonight when the phone rang out of the blue. it was my friend, james. he called and asked me what's been going on in my life and how things are going. we exchanged stories of life's adventures, and during james' sharing time, he told me about the song from Sanctus Real. he explained how God was really speaking to his heart through this song. i was all excited, and so i told him i would definitely look it up on myspace after our talk. and so i did.
this phone conversation was so encouraging and such divine appointment. james spoke straight up to me about some things i needed to hear, and i knew God was speaking through him. it was major confirmation for me with some things i am dealing with at the moment. i just praise God for moments like these. i had been struggling with some things this week, and BAM! God comes through and speaks SO straight-forward and SO clearly. i just feel such peace and joy at this moment, and i am just so ever thankful for the Lord and His amazing love and grace in my life.
this song is amazing. i have listened to it probably 15 or 20 times in a row just to let the message sink deeply into my spirit. in the mist of the chaos and everything going on, healing is taking place, and something Heavenly IS happening in my life! it's okay to be honest about my feelings, it's okay to let go of the hurt and the pain, and it's okay to feel what i feel, but as long as i surrender it all to God and let Him make beauty out of my ashes.
someone once told me like a year ago that we empower what we believe. it's so true. i know that this season i am dealing head on with the spirit of fear, but even in the midst of this storm, i am confident that i will come out victorious. i am changing, and the best it yet to come. God is faithful.
so yeah....it's definitely time to let go of the past and embrace the present and the future. cuz lemme tell ya, the present and future holds GREAT things for me, and i am stoked. God is good. He really does restore all that the stupid enemy has stolen from me. what's happening in my life right now is evidence of that. He really IS in control. i truly AM on the journey of a lifetime so i better sit tight and just enjoy the ride. Wow...this is so cool. Thanks, God!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Scars...
well, here i am once again, and i actually have been wanting to write this blog since last saturday night, but things have happened, and i have just been so exhausted to think past like 8 pm. haha. so here goes nothin'....
saturday night at church was amazing. there was a guest speaker, and his name is dave roever. for those of you who don't know him, dave is an amazing evangelist, and he works alot with the military and the US gov't. you see, save is a vietnam vet who had a phospherous grenade blow up in his face, leaving him with scares over most of his body. i mean, this man was badly burned beyond recognition, and he should not have lived...according to human understanding. but my God is greater! yep. my God saved this man's life, and now he goes around the world sharing his heart and testimony with others and touching lives everywhere.
dave spoke alot saturday night about scars. he referred to his own scars, mostly the physical ones, but also the emotional and spiritual scars. his story touched my heart so much and i left that service with so much more joy, hope, and just thanksgiving in my heart for the Lord's mercy and grace. there were several times when dave mentioned about the scars of divorce. each time i heard the word, it felt like a pinched nerve in my body. i cringed, almost as though it seemed too surreal to me to think that i have actually gone through AND survived a divorce. by His grace and mercy, i made it through, and now i can live to tell about it.
you see, what i took home with me that night is the message that every scar tells a story, whether it is visible or not. God can use our every scar for our good and His glory. how amazing is that?? it hit me like a ton of bricks. well, it was something i have always said and always knew, but to be reaffirmed in this was so refreshing for me. God is such a good God!
i'm still going through alot of healing, and many times, it is not easy. heck, when is it ever easy? but God is faithful. when i fall, He picks me right back up again, takes me by the hand, and leads me. sometimes i feel like i have to apologize for who i am or what i have been through, but i know i don't. my scars reveal a major part of who i am, and i am proud of them, in a way, because it's those very scars that give others hope. yep, it's true. our scars are proof to others that we have made it through the storms that have raged around us, and if we can do it, so can they. and this is such an amazing opportunity to express to them how much we needed God's love, mercy, and forgiveness to get through those trials and tribulations in our lives. what an amazing thing. God really does turn everything out for good.
that night at church, dave also made another good point. he said that it's so much more valuable to a person when we share what Jesus Christ has done in our own lives than if we just bash them over the head with a Bible and preach to them. so simple, so known, so misunderstood. you see, people want proof of our scars. they need that message of hope. the hope being Jesus Christ. however, they want to know what He has done personally in my life and in yours. people aren't as interested in what He has done in the apostle Paul's life or whoever. they want OUR story. they want a glimpse or OUR scars so they can be reassured that they are not the only ones in the world that knows what it's like to have these scars.
so yeah, i am jess, and i have scars. i have hurt. i have pain. i could go on and on and on. what i will say is that i am thankful to the Lord for every single thing i have gone through and continue to go through in my life. it has taught me SO much and molded and shaped me into the woman i am today. suffering for the cause of Christ is the most amazing and humbling experience in the life of a believer. no matter how strong life hits us with fears, worries, trials, tribulations, insecurities, and so on....He is there in our midst. and God is faithful. amen and glory to His name.
saturday night at church was amazing. there was a guest speaker, and his name is dave roever. for those of you who don't know him, dave is an amazing evangelist, and he works alot with the military and the US gov't. you see, save is a vietnam vet who had a phospherous grenade blow up in his face, leaving him with scares over most of his body. i mean, this man was badly burned beyond recognition, and he should not have lived...according to human understanding. but my God is greater! yep. my God saved this man's life, and now he goes around the world sharing his heart and testimony with others and touching lives everywhere.
dave spoke alot saturday night about scars. he referred to his own scars, mostly the physical ones, but also the emotional and spiritual scars. his story touched my heart so much and i left that service with so much more joy, hope, and just thanksgiving in my heart for the Lord's mercy and grace. there were several times when dave mentioned about the scars of divorce. each time i heard the word, it felt like a pinched nerve in my body. i cringed, almost as though it seemed too surreal to me to think that i have actually gone through AND survived a divorce. by His grace and mercy, i made it through, and now i can live to tell about it.
you see, what i took home with me that night is the message that every scar tells a story, whether it is visible or not. God can use our every scar for our good and His glory. how amazing is that?? it hit me like a ton of bricks. well, it was something i have always said and always knew, but to be reaffirmed in this was so refreshing for me. God is such a good God!
i'm still going through alot of healing, and many times, it is not easy. heck, when is it ever easy? but God is faithful. when i fall, He picks me right back up again, takes me by the hand, and leads me. sometimes i feel like i have to apologize for who i am or what i have been through, but i know i don't. my scars reveal a major part of who i am, and i am proud of them, in a way, because it's those very scars that give others hope. yep, it's true. our scars are proof to others that we have made it through the storms that have raged around us, and if we can do it, so can they. and this is such an amazing opportunity to express to them how much we needed God's love, mercy, and forgiveness to get through those trials and tribulations in our lives. what an amazing thing. God really does turn everything out for good.
that night at church, dave also made another good point. he said that it's so much more valuable to a person when we share what Jesus Christ has done in our own lives than if we just bash them over the head with a Bible and preach to them. so simple, so known, so misunderstood. you see, people want proof of our scars. they need that message of hope. the hope being Jesus Christ. however, they want to know what He has done personally in my life and in yours. people aren't as interested in what He has done in the apostle Paul's life or whoever. they want OUR story. they want a glimpse or OUR scars so they can be reassured that they are not the only ones in the world that knows what it's like to have these scars.
so yeah, i am jess, and i have scars. i have hurt. i have pain. i could go on and on and on. what i will say is that i am thankful to the Lord for every single thing i have gone through and continue to go through in my life. it has taught me SO much and molded and shaped me into the woman i am today. suffering for the cause of Christ is the most amazing and humbling experience in the life of a believer. no matter how strong life hits us with fears, worries, trials, tribulations, insecurities, and so on....He is there in our midst. and God is faithful. amen and glory to His name.
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